To err is human, to forgive, divine. ~Alexander Pope-1688-1744 (Poet)
The biggest gift people have given to me is themselves ~Amaya Victoria
For many years I have prayed for my propensity to hold grudges and resentments to be lifted. After years of spiritual teachings, healings, and knowledge it seemed that I could not shake this ego response.
I have some idea where this, my tendency to judge others and then hold a grudge came from. My mother was a very judging woman and as much as I did not want to be like her I had picked up the same, what appeared to be, autonomic response.
Also I had chosen a childhood in which I experienced a great deal of violence, judgment, criticism, and rejection to the point of ostracization. Therefore I felt attacked by my family of birth and the outside world.
Having been so attacked and humiliated I put away my ability to speak up for myself. I allowed people to walk on me. I allowed other people to have their voices and generally they would use their voices to attack me. My only defense became my internal dialog and holding onto the past.
Thankfully in my adult years I had the help of therapists, teachers and healers. These men and women sent to me from the divine helped me scoop away all the poisons of my past allowing me to be free of this deep internal torment. Except, it appeared to be this one piece.
I have acquired a deep knowledge that all things happen in divine timing, even those times where the things I wanted to happen, prayed for to happen never occurred. To me the unoccurance was and is part of the divine timing.
Being very uncomfortable with this part of me, my prayer was constantly “out there” for me to truly not hold grudges.
In May of 2012 until Oct of 2013 I had three powerful events occur, I know now that those events would answer my prayer deeply and completely.
Each of these events had to do with betrayal, hurt and anger. The first event occurred in May of 2012 when I had a HUGE falling out with a mentor whom was also a dear friend of mine. A series of events occurred that caused us to rupture and be blown apart, away from each other for almost a year. For that year that we did not speak, the tension, animosity, and hurt was so big you could have, as they say, “cut it with a knife.”
The second event happened in August of 2013, when I had to let an assistant of mine go. The firing of this assistant caused for me such tears, hurt and anger. I cried for months on end. Friends told me when I was so embarrassed with myself for having such deep emotion “this is beautiful, it shows how deeply you love.”
The third event was in November of 2013 where after several times that a young woman insulted me, I finally spoke to her about it, clear and direct, I cleared the air.
After each of these experiences I was sure that as in my past, I would never reconcile let alone have interactions with any of these people again. For my motto was “you hurt me, you are out of my life forever.”
I was so wrong. In each case letting go occurred for me and I believe for each of these individuals. I am now closer to these three people then I have ever been. What a gift, how sweet, this is truly a form of freedom.
Please do know that each of these experiences, particularly the first and second experiences were very intense for me on all levels, in every way possible.
Suddenly, without my knowledge in December of 2013, a change happened for me. I became a different woman, my prayer was answered. I cannot tell you how this changed occurred. It just did. I understood what my teacher had said to me, seven or so years before. “I had to let go, and the divine in me would fill me with forgiveness.” My understanding of all of this is not mental, it is deep and visceral.
I learned something about true forgiveness. True forgiveness has so many layers to it. For me, in my experience recently, true forgiveness is like this, being so angry with someone, then the anger, hurt, pain goes away, after a time of prayer, venting, and release.
The anger, hurt and pain truly goes away and what I am left with is a nothingness, a nothingness that is peaceful. In this nothingness a joy awakens, amazingly, joy, love and a great happiness that I am still connected to and have come to another level with the people that I thought I could never be around again.
Forgiveness, is the key to freedom, freedom is the joy one feels when you realize you love the person again, and again and again. I understand now the teachings of the aborigine people, the indigenous people, of finding the beauty in each person and cultivating this.
This is so very different then the oxen burden of my childhood, where when others were angry with me or I with them the relationships either became torture, vanished or at best were never the same again.
I believe 2014 is the year we arise out of the fires of the hell of non-forgiveness into the healing waters of true forgiveness itself.
This is the beginning of the true resurrection, the resurrection of the child/soul heart in each of us. Let go and the divine in you shall rise up like the waters of life, washing away all that has come before. You shall be free to enjoy your life fully.
In humble service I am ~ Amaya Victoria